Thursday, 9 October 2014

From Lisbon with Ludge...

The week before last I went to Lisbon for the weekend to celebrate the stag doo of one of my best friends in the world, the enigma that is Leeg.

I was apprehensive as we have got in some scrapes together in this country let alone be in a foreign country with 18 others that reads like a UK most wanted.

I decided to fly out separately to the rest as their flight was full, so I headed up to Luton and stayed in a nice little B&B in Lye Hill, Breachwood Green. I stayed out in the country, woke up had eggs on toast, whilst I watched Red Kites, amongst other birds in the garden.

It was my first time flying solo and my first time abroad for five years, so naturally I was quite nervous.

The check in went fairly smoothly, until we got to boarding, when they decided to tell me I could only take one bag on board, thankfully a guy behind me in the queue had nothing and offered to carry my rucksack on for me. 

The flight out was fairly painless and we were updated that it was 23-24 degrees in Lisbon. 

I caught a bus from the airport to Rossio, downtown, city centre, which cost me 3 euros 50 compared with 20-25 in a cab. 

I used the bus map to walk from the bus stop towards the street we were staying on. I found the street no problem, very cool little district loads of little bars, cafes, restaurants and shops. 

I found the hostel and checked in. The place was amazing for the price and better than most hotels I've stayed in.

Lee rang me and was already shitfaced, bearing in mind it was 420pm. I had a quick Schwitz, changed and we hit some bars. 

I loved the city almost instantly, cool relaxed vibe loads of cool architecture, statues, history and graffiti. 

The beer on the other hand was cheap, but not to my liking Super bock or Sagres almost everywhere which after a few is just too gassy. 

We did find an Irish bar later that evening which had that lush German Weiss beer with a monk on it about three varieties franz something. 

We had decided beforehand we weren't gonna do typical stag t shirts or anything, but that didn't mean Lee was getting off, his bro bought him a garish Jon Cena T shirt and purple sequin hat.

We also found the most amazing little mojito bar that night, in Barrio Alto a very cool very hip street bar area. Three euro for a pint of rum, fresh mint and lime, crushed ice, sugar and a shot of lemonade. Two and I'm on my arse. 

Love street drinking culture me. Stoop! 

There were a few sore heads at breakfast the next day but I got up early had cheese rolls, cornflakes, coffee and juice all included in the £14 per night. 

I heard over breakfast one had been arrested for throwing up and splitting on the police station and another mugged during the evenings festivities. 

I set out pretty early to have an explore, as the sun was shining I walked down to the front loads of cool statues and the museum of modern design, which was currently fronted in a history of surfboard art which was cool. 

Saw a heron and an egret at the front. Started to sober up sat and had an espresso to sort me out. I trotted around our area most of the morning then bumped into the lads for a spot of lunch, mushroom omlette and a load of jugs of sangria, naturally when in Rome....

We had a boat trip booked for 2pm, but the weather was taking a turn it started pissing down just as we were getting ready to head out. Trog decided that what this boat trip needed was a man sized inflatable dinosaur later christened Staggersaurus Rex or Yolosaurus Rex.

We headed down to the boat in cabs, as they told us we would lose the money. When we got there we were all a little despondent at the barge with a breville on the back when we had been promised a yacht with a BBQ to feed 20. 

Once everyone was on board including Yolosaurus we set off. The skies cleared, the waters calmed the boat dudes brought around cheese and garlic sausage on sticks. The views of the city from the boat were rad especially the bridge and the graffiti.

As we were sailing along blasting some choice chunes from Leeg's wedding playlist, Phil Collins to Hatebreed, I got my bins out I didn't spot any birds of note, but loads of cool metal graffiti on the small beaches. There was one beach with Embalmer, Deicide, Sepultura and Nile logo's near the Benfica stadium.

The beers (loose term) started coming around they were gross tbh but we made do.

We dropped anchor to have a swim within minutes I was in the sea with a blow up dinosaur drinking a beer and moshing to Davidian by Machine Head, Lush.

We swam and ate lunch for a few hours the BBQ turned out good for the meatheads not so good for the swimming veggies, I had some salad crisps and bread and oil. (Good job I had that omlette)

Naturally the Yolosaurus tried on my hawaiian and hat and drove the boat home.

We headed back just in time it looked like it must have pissed down in Lisbon the whole time we were at sea.

We hit up another Irish bar in the marina as the football was on, the barman took a liking to yolo and kept buying him drinks I think he had a dino fetish tbh.

We headed back for a schwitz and change before hitting up the bars. Sadly Lee was left unsupervised with Yolo and He got punted off the marine as Lee was already steamboats by this point. 

"RIP Yolosaurus Rex 
A brother lost at sea
One Love"

Things get a little blurry on this evening after another visit to the Irish bar in Barrio Alto some more monk beers, shots being thrown around, another visit to the killer mojito den where mother and daughter with matching lipstick boob tattoos hypnotize you with boob juggle mint lime crush. The less said about "the shelf" the better...

Ended up in one of the quotes of the trip: "I look across the street Leeg is asleep on the back of someones car, his brother is pissing in the street and Stubbs is singing up a rubble tube... Wales"

Senegal Steve decides that he needs to take some photos on his Iphone3 of Lee asleep in the sunglasses he sells. So we all pile in and get him to take a few snaps. 

I've known Lee for years and when he's gone he's gone there ain't no coming back, he'd had a bloody good innings today. So I volunteered to Carry him home. 

Had nice sleep, woke up had pancakes for breakfast in the hostel with nutella, some cheese rolls, cornflakes, coffee and juice. 

We decided to head out to the beach by train for the day. I spotted a latex pig mask in the shop near our hostel, we had a whip around and got Lee the Pig mask. We got to the beach which was lush, but as soon as we got in the water there were loads of Jellyfish which freaked me out a bit.

We bumped into Senegal Steve selling dresses and pearls on the beach, obviously we bought the Pig a dress and a Bandana. We then decided to bury the pig and just leave his head poking out. 

At lunch Lee decided we needed 4 litres of sangria between five of us...

I had an average pizza but it soaked up the sangria, had another swim then we all chucked the pig in the sea in his dress.

We played football with some young Portuguese kids I scored a blinder, but it ended a dubious 2-2 draw.

On the train on the way back the Notorious P.I.G. was born and I laughed so much I cried the rest of the journey home was filled with pig related hip hop puns see below.

We got changed and washed and decided on a quiet night around the bars with the Goldup brothers and others telling the favourite Leeg stories whilst drinkiing ridicoulously strong G&T's until the early hours.

Best Stag ever

Pig Hop
Snoop Hoggy Hogg
Piggy Smalls
The Squeal Slim Shady
Swill Smith - Getting Piggy with it
Piggy Azalea
Piglet Enemy featuring Bacon Flav

Comment below with Pig Hop puns

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